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The Face of the Domestic Church
These words of Pope John Paul II in his Apostolic Exhortation on the Family, Familiaris Constortio, echo William Ross Wallace’s much older quotation, “the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Whatever our future as a country, as a planet, holds, it will come about as the direct result of the internal life of each family. How are parents raising their children? What is the greater community doing to help them? The way we form the young will reach further into the future than any other work we can do. Operating on the idea that practice makes perfect, Miles Jesu Monthly asked three large, young families to share their experiences. Despite the mothers’ unanimous disclaimer, “I’m glad you’re interviewing other people, too, because our family is very far from perfect!,” their stories are proof that a generous response to the vocation of marriage leads to great happiness in the present and for the future of our country and our Church, and, most important, is an authentic path to holiness. Holly and Mark M.’s 10 children range in age from one year to twenty-two. Maria and Paul H. have twelve children, aged from six months to seventeen years old. And Krista and Mark C. have ten children, ages three to twenty-one. Two of the husbands are engineers—one in Illinois and one in Maryland—and one is a college administrator in Virginia. Not surprisingly, the three wives are all stay-at-home moms. The Nitty Gritty Realities… The specter of insufficient time and money is one of the first things society invokes when faced with the picture of raising children. Raising a large family is an investment—literally—but a sound one. Maria reminisces about when she had been married a relatively short time. “I was still working full time as an R.N. The other nurses knew I was hoping to have a large family. ‘You’ll change your mind after three kids or so,’ they’d tell me, ‘You won’t even be able to clothe them!’ Every time someone gives me a bag of clothes, I think of those nurses! People like passing on things they can’t use anymore—a good bicycle, clothes, toys. I almost never say no!” And she adds a practical insight: “I would say the vast majority of families pretty much spend all they make, whether they have two kids or twelve…they just spend it on different things.” Krista and Holly have many similar tips on putting the budget to work for them. They both recommend buying groceries in bulk and cooking from scratch. Krista says buying things at a food co-op saves a full 50% of what she would pay at the supermarket. Hand-me-downs from friends, garage sales, and thrift stores all were praised as practical ways to get good clothes for good prices. Another way to keep the budget viable, Holly points out, is “not to be always clamoring for what’s new and great out there.” Outside world, be at peace. These children all look very healthy, attractive, and lively. They are 32 arguments against anyone who says they “can’t afford” children. Everybody has chores. Maria says her children like to bake—and eat what they bake—and “make a mess in the kitchen”…which they then clean up. She says their friends like to come over and do that, too, and opines that maybe the friends’ mothers don’t let them mess up their own kitchens. Her children’s chores also include keeping their rooms clean, taking care of the family pets, and other housework. “We used to have a lamb,” says Emily, thirteen. “It was a challenge for Mom. She had to chase it when she was in labor with Peter.” Maria confirms this: “He was born within four hours.” “Getting everything done is always a big challenge,” Holly says. “It’s really good to organize the chores. The kids clean and vacuum the house every day and do all the kitchen jobs; once it’s in a system it goes pretty fast. Even the five-year-old has a job. When they start the chores, they feel important…which lasts for a couple of weeks. They are accountable to each other because one chore depends on another.” Last year, with the arrival of a new baby, she needed a lot of help so everyone aged 10 and up took a turn making dinner once a week. “Luckily the 10-year-old (a boy!) was already interested in cooking.” A bigger family also makes noise more of a problem in the house. “I’m a noisy person, so part of it comes from me,” Krista says. “Sometimes, there’s a temptation to yell across the room instead of going over and speaking softly. A bigger family just intensifies this.” But, as far as helping mom around the house, bigger is better. “I always tell them (the children), ‘We’re like a team. We work together so we can play together.’ You do have to let your standards down. They’re not going to be able to do the job the way someone older would. But, they’re good at their jobs. When I get to Heaven, God’s not going to ask me how clean my floor is.” As may well be expected, another responsibility of the older kids of all three families is to help take care of younger brothers and sisters. In talking to many of the children of these families, though, no one designated this as a chore. Many of them did name it as their chief responsibility. But there was a long discussion with Maria’s children about how often people had to change diapers, complete with technical analyses of just what this project might entail. Possibly there may be some sidestepping going on: one diaper-changer-in-training said, “We [children] only change diapers maybe once a week. Mom likes doing that job.” …And the Transcendent Realities
Coincidentally, each of the mothers interviewed home-schools at least the younger of her children. This year Maria and Paul’s children are playing the whole educational-opportunity spectrum: their oldest daughter is spending a year at a Catholic boarding school far from home and their two teenage sons are attending public school for the first time, while younger ones are home-schooled. Fifteen-year-old Benjamin says that all of his friends—the ones who home-school and the ones at the public school—all ask him which system is better. He himself doesn’t have an answer to that one. “Each approaching school year we really try to make the best decision for that child, for that year,” Maria says, “For example, home-schooling or school—it would be wrong to keep them at home if it was time for them to do something else. It’s a matter of prayer; it’s not one-size-fits-all, it’s not a comparison issue. And each family is different. You’ve got to do what God’s calling you to do. I’m not saying home-schooling is best. Parents shouldn’t compare themselves to other parents. And they shouldn’t look at how their kids are doing scholastically and say ‘my kids are doing well—I must be so good’ or ‘my kids aren’t doing well—I must be bad.’” Sharing her recent experiences in sending her two boys to public school for the first time she says, “I went to my first parent teacher conference this fall. I had to see eight teachers and talk about two sons, and I went expecting it to be really crowded, wondering if it would be possible to talk to them all. But hardly any parents were there. The teachers were very respectful and kind, interested in the students. We hear about problems in the schools but now I wonder if sometimes it’s not a lack of interest on the parents’ side.“With my kids—some excel, some struggle,” she continues, “but I’m the same mom. When I started home-schooling the oldest, I thought of doing it up till maybe when she would be in 3rd grade. But every year I would pray about it and God would say, no, do it again this year…Now some of the older ones are thinking about college. I do want my children to do well academically. They can’t be leaders, help improve society, unless they’re well educated.” “Three people formed my idea of education,” Holly says when talking about teaching her children, “Charlotte Mason [a groundbreaking home-schooler of 19th century England], Maria Montessori, and Dr. Shinichi Suzuki [Japanese creator of a music teaching method].” On a more personal level, she mentions that while teaching her children she also often thinks of Anne W. Carroll—founder and continuing director of Seton High School and wife of the founder of Christendom College—a prominent figure in Holly’s own education. “Teaching is something,” Holly says, “where the purpose is not a tangible goal but something actually scarier than that. The purpose is equipping the whole person for life, including eternal life. We might use workbooks, grading systems, etc. but they are not the end of education. Education is much more involved than just teaching a subject. The teaching of the subject is more involved than just regurgitating material. Teaching by example is very important. Home-schooling gives you contact with your children, and you can both grow in virtue! Academics are important. Also life skills. How to interact with people of all ages. Charity towards one another. Education is about what is important in life, not just urgent.” She also mentions that it’s important especially for the high school-aged kids to be accountable to, and mentored by, an adult other than their own parents, and she makes sure that her older children attend at least some classes beyond the family home. She finishes, “Teaching is learning. A teacher must learn how this child learns. What is the best way to teach this child? How do you get the best response from this child? That requires a lot of encouragement and building up. If you can’t praise your child, if the child is failing, it’s not the child’s fault—it’s your fault. You have to always be trying to find the key…Of course everyone has free will so this is true only up to a point.” She says even among her own children, there may be certain patterns but each is played out differently in each child…partly due to the fact that she herself is at a different stage from one child to the next. Spending Time Together…
and taking toys! I try not to step in on the arguments unless they’re going on too long or there’s physical danger to someone. I want them to learn to solve their problems themselves. They get along well, though. The older children help a lot and understand that if there’s someone younger than you, you are responsible for that person.” Television and computer games are not a major source of recreation in any of these families. All three families limit computer time, and relegate it to “when everything else is done” and watch little if any TV. When asked, the children had long lists of what they like to do together. Inside activities include ping-pong, paper dolls and Legos, arts and crafts, card games ranging from Uno® to poker (complete with chips); even flicking miniature marshmallows at each other. Outside, it’s bikes, forts, all kinds of make-believe, kayaking, shooting baskets. They are also involved in many extra-curricular activities like swim team, music lessons, soccer, and football. “For activities like a child’s concert or football game, we all try to make it. It’s a package deal,” Krista says. If one child is involved with something, the rest of the family is, as well. Maria says her children get along better when they’re doing something constructive. “If they’re bickering, I know they’re not busy enough.” Each family has clear ideas about enjoying themselves on special occasions. Holly says that one thing everyone in the family really enjoys doing once in a while is eating out in a sit-down restaurant. “All the kids love to do that.” They live in the mountains and enjoy hiking together, too, or watching a video together on weekends. Maria’s family also takes advantage of nearby natural beauty and drives to the beach an hour and a half away. “We LOVE the beach!” shouts six-year-old Dominic. They also love having their cousins over. Krista’s family enjoys visiting Chicago’s Museum of Science and Industry, especially at Christmastime. Another once-in-a-while event is holding a big tea party at their house. When asked what they like best about their families, the various children all mentioned ideas to the effect of “there’s always someone handy to play with.” Variations on the theme: “I like it because people read me books a lot.” “You always have a friend.” …And Separate A big challenge for the parents of a large and young family is finding “quiet” time. Holly answered the question with this: “Someone asked the pope what he did in his free time and he said ‘all my time is free.’ I like that. Free time is important. Sometimes, if I need to, I’ll take a nap. Or just spend quiet time in my room by myself. A Dominican monastery just opened nearby so part of my free time is morning Mass. It’s important for spouses to take time together. Mark and I try to do that, like take a walk or go out to lunch or dinner or have a drink on the porch before dinner, or watch a movie without the kids. It’s also important to spend time with friends, women friends. I’ll have tea at the neighbor’s, or invite mothers over and talk while the kids play. Some of the kids gravitate more towards solitude; it is good to make sure people ‘have their space.’ Another important thing is some one-on-one kid/parent time.” “If you’re not flexible, then that’s death.” And now, the voice of experience: problems of, and advice from, three successful mothers. Holly: “It helps to have written down in a central place everyone’s individual schedule and also a general schedule (I keep it all in a binder). You don’t have to be exact, but it helps. For example, you don’t have to feel guilty reading a little kid a story in the middle of the afternoon if you know you’ve got the overall day organized…but if you’re not flexible, then that’s death. “If you didn’t get it done today, you have to try again tomorrow. Try to do at least one thing well. Or, try to cover a little of several things. Then you feel like you’ve done something… “You need to smile a lot and you need to laugh. If not, maybe you need to work on your own sanity! Some people spend their time working for others but it isn’t productive because they have their own needs (like spending time with other adults, or time alone). A lot of people are depressed. A lot of people take a lot on themselves without equipping themselves with the tools they need, like enough rest and so on. You can always look at someone else and say, oh, gosh, I didn’t do that with my kids. Find whatever is available and don’t break your back looking for what is perfect for your child.” Maria: “I love the new Luminous mysteries of the Rosary. I think about the Marriage at Cana—those barrels of wine were like an unending supply of wine; the wine symbolizes grace, graces for marriage. He gives the graces we need, at the time we need it. People will say to me, ‘I can’t handle two kids, I could never handle 12!’ I tell them, we built up to it. God will give you the grace you need. The last days leading up to birth can be scary: Will it be too hard to handle? Will there be someone to take care of the kids? But then afterwards you tell yourself, ‘See, everything worked out fine. I had valid concerns but God took care of them. He carried me through that on the palm of His hand.’ It happens before the baptisms, too. There are always problems. Quibbling with relatives about the date. The godmother gets sick in the hospital. I finally realized that this is a spiritual battle. Satan is trying to steal our joy! We have to be ready for those things, and not let our joy be stolen. I remind my sisters (one of them just had a baby) of this now. “My advice to a young couple just starting out? Trust, just trust. God has a plan for you. Listen. Don’t try to run your own life. And we all struggle with that.” Krista: Yes, as Pope John Paul II wrote in the conclusion of Familiaris Constortio: The future of humanity passes by way of the family. “It is therefore indispensable and urgent that every person of good will should endeavor to save and foster the values and requirements of the family. I feel that I must ask for a particular effort in this field from the sons and daughters of the Church…“They must show the family special love. This is an injunction that calls for concrete action. “Loving the family means being able to appreciate its values and capabilities, fostering them always. Loving the family means identifying the dangers and the evils that menace it, in order to overcome them. Loving the family means endeavoring to create for it an environment favorable for its development. The modern Christian family is often tempted to be discouraged and is distressed at the growth of its difficulties; it is an eminent form of love to give it back its reasons for confidence in itself, in the riches that it possesses by nature and grace, and in the mission that God has entrusted to it. Yes indeed, the families of today must be called back to their original position. They must follow Christ. “Christians also have the mission of proclaiming with joy and conviction the Good News about the family, for the family absolutely needs to hear ever anew and to understand ever more deeply the authentic words that reveal its identity, its inner resources and the importance of its mission in the City of God and in that of man.” |
The future of humanity passes by way of the family.
What about praying together as a family? All three families make time for daily prayer together—a decade of the Rosary or a Litany, praying together at meal times, etc. The children are encouraged to choose and lead prayers they like, and to present petitions for the family to pray for. Holly’s family does most of its praying together at bedtime, with a night blessing, while Krista’s and Maria’s families emphasize morning prayers because, as Maria puts it, “in the evening, no matter how hard we try, we’re just too tired by then.” Each parent values weekday Mass and attends when possible—be it with the whole family in tow, with just one or two kids who really wanted to come, or alone.
“There’s lots of give and take in our family,” Holly says, “like giving punches